Have you ever cared so much that it ruined your life or the life you of the person you cared so much about? You know, being a hero is not a love language. It could be self-sabotage at times. Let’s talk about that.
The Hero Syndrome
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Pick up the phone.
-“Hello?”
-(whispers) “Your life is not customer service.”
There is a pattern. Most of the people in your life are fuckups and you are always there to help them. No, you actually feel good that they even considered burdening you with their problems. You feel offended when they are being appreciative because you know in your heart that it is your job to fix it for them. You help them. And then you help them more, but they are still the same. They do not change.
You ask yourself, “Why do I attract those people?”
Ahem, could you turn the camera so it could face you now?
Um… the problem is you.
I am going to hold your hand while telling you this… but maybe it is because you are an enabler. You enable them to be the victims of the situations they are in. You are just as fucked up as they are. I am sorry.
There come those times when you ask yourself, “Why am I like that?”
You intervene. You try to make their life better. And when they fail to walk on the lines you drew for them, they disappoint you.
I am no magician, and I do not know the trick to instantly make you feel better. I, however, will walk you through the things that might be triggering you to wear your mask and go on a mission to save the first person you see.
Pain
There is this pain inside you from being hurt, from other people disappointing you.
When you see someone going through something similar, you step in. You want to protect them so that they won’t feel what you have felt, so they won’t go through what you have gone through.
This might look noble at first, but, in reality, it is more about you controlling the other person, or trying to find validation in situations where you failed to have it. A temporary feeling that gives you this fake sense of security.
Hold On, Partner, I Think I Am a Victim
Like the shore that meets the sea, the victim meets its savior. I mean, you have got to know when you encounter someone with a victim mentality that there is an enabler there, right?
People with a victim mentality believe that nothing is ever their fault. And they are not responsible for anything they do because they are going through so much already.
On the other hand, the savior feels that it is their responsibility to help and fix the victim’s life, of course.
Let me elaborate. Classic victim moves are that they pour their heart out. They will show you their suffering, share their fears and expect you to fix their problems for them. The savior here will put their cape on and sweep them off their feet. The thing here is that they both want the same thing: Love and approval. But in. the. most. toxic. way. Both trap their happiness into the hands of the other and the savior keep defining people by their pain, when they are more than just that.
Their relationship is insincere and shallow, because meaningful relationships are based on mutual support, not giving and taking. One thing that is really important is that both parties take responsibility for their own emotions. They may ask you for help, but not depend entirely on you to change their whole world. Because, by the end of the day, you will be drained of how much you have to put into this relationship.
When you spot this pattern, just gather your equipment ‘cause we’re gonna build us some limits here; no one has control on how people feel about their life nor have the divine powers to make them happy forever.
Fear of abandonment
Sometimes you feel that if you are helping others or relating to their traumas, only then you can be called “useful” or “reliable.”
There is this hope that lights up for you when you feel useful to others, because you feel like if you give them everything they need they will not leave you. You might feel like you are doing the right thing, but this is manipulation. You leech on other people’s sadness just to feel good about yourself and situations you couldn’t do anything about.
Being an Avoidant
It is when you shove your own feelings and problems aside because maybe someone is having a worse day out there in the world. You have your issues, that’s for sure, but the spotlight is always focused on others.
Your demons are right in front of you, but you keep convincing yourself that maybe if you close your eyes hard enough, you won’t see them. But if you keep avoiding them and fighting other demons, you will never be saved, because you never look inwards.
Low Self-esteem
That deeply rooted feeling of trying to prove yourself as worthy. You have to work hard to earn their love, respect, or trust. These things develop over time. True love is not forced. Love is something that is given willingly.
You feel that winning the love of someone is the best thing, but you lose parts of yourself trying to win others. You keep pushing for it and when they FINALLY give in, you feel that fake sense of victory. A feeling that is very short-lived.
When you are always trying to win someone’s love by doing the impossible, you will feel emotionally drained. There is no guarantee that they will be there for you the same way you do for them.
Trust me when I tell you that you deserve love without having to work for it.
Shit Happens While Growing Up
Sometimes you develop this savior attitude because your parents may have experienced childhood emotional negligence where they develop the victim mentality. And when parents develop a victim mentality, they fail to educate their kids on how to regulate their emotions. Then you develop the savior/fixer mentality because you need to be there for your parents instead of them being there for you. Which, unfortunately, broadens and then you try to fix everyone around you.
When Putting Others First Becomes Your Ticket to Heaven
When your value lies in what you do for others, it becomes your identity. To be honest, this is really hard to tackle. I cannot argue with you that this is coming from a good place. But when focusing on your own needs makes you feel selfish and that you are letting other people down, then maybe you need to hear this. It takes so much time to learn that it does not have to be that way.
Deep down you are doing this for a bigger cause, not yourself. And while it is not a bad thing to be there for others, it does not have to be favored over your own needs.
This article is coming to an end, y’all…
When you develop the savior complex, not only you end up hurting yourself, but you hurt others too. They have to be the one to hit rock bottom and want to make the change for their lives.
Stop trying to make them who you want them to be. You are not Bob the Builder.
You cannot bear everyone’s burden as your own. You can be there for them, but you cannot bear their emotional weight. Some people need to struggle so they can grow. And you need to take a step back and let them. And if they fail to improve their life, that responsibility does not fall on you.
Sincerely,
Fay
Bye, bye!
Fay's 
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